just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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