Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
