even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
He's on the porch naked. Help.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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