Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
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