I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
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