ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
