oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
