My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
