do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
