So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
