dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
