woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Randomize
