Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Randomize
