this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
