we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
