3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Randomize