pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Randomize
