Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
what the fuck happened to the tacos
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
