I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
