i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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