I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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