If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize