So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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