There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Randomize
