I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
