you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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