Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Randomize
