Im at strip club and am horny
do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight?
well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic
what chic?
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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