I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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