Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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