Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
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