Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
