i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
