thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
