the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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