Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
