its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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