I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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