i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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