whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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