I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
