Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
