probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
