He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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