You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
