my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
