Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
