Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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