I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
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