I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
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