I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize