I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
