i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
