Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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