Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
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