saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
