You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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