i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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