Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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