things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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