Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Randomize
