I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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