Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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