just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
