Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize