His pubic hair was longer than his dick
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Randomize
