Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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