i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
