i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
