im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
