I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
