I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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