Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
She needs sedatives and a leash
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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