3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize