he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
