we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
